One month ago tonight was the hardest night I have ever faced. The kids and I said good-bye to Edward in the middle of the night on a dark airfield. Right now, that seems like much longer than a month ago. As we pulled out of the parking lot around 1:00 AM, Madison asked, "Mommy, why are you crying? Don't cry. I'll cry." At that moment, I realized I couldn't cry. Not in front of my kids. I couldn't. They didn't understand enough as it was, and they get really upset at the sight of crying, so I had to pull it together.
A month later, here we are. Things are going along. Life still happens. We all have our good days and bad days. Kids are kids, fighting, laughing, playing. School is getting ready to start, and the house is becoming our home. Day after day, we go on, thinking about and praying for Edward everyday. We eat our "Kiss" from Daddy each day, and the kids enjoy putting together packages to send him (we're on our third already, not counting the MANY boxes sent from Amazon).
One of the saddest things to hear is the sound of my kids in their beds playing the voice on their Build A Bear animals. Prior to leaving, Edward and I took the kids to Build A Bear, where they picked out animals, and Edward recorded a message for each kid. That message is in the animal, and by pressing the paw, they hear their personal message. So, as I am cleaning up around the house after the kids have gone to bed, I hear over and over, "I love you Madison. Jesus loves you. Goodnight." "I love you Luke. Jesus loves you. Goodnight." "I love you Alex. Jesus loves you. Goodnight." That mixed with Alex crying out for Edward everynight from his bed is one of the harder parts of deployment.
I dare say it is quiet here with three kids running around, but in the evenings it definitely is. So far, I have filled the void in the evenings by painting the house. I'm down to the last room, our master bedroom. I started priming it and hope to finish it in the next few days. It's a huge room and will take more than a couple of hours in the eveings.
Moving just prior to all this didn't help either, as I still don't know people here. Neither do the kids, but school is starting soon, and I pray they make some friends.
Churchlife is moving at a snail's pace. The church I'm going to is nice, but meeting people while chasing down three kids each week is challenging. I found a nice Sunday School class and look forward to meeting people there. The surprise to me is that church is the hardest thing for me. I miss Edward dearly at church and haven't made it through a service yet without crying (somehow, otherwise, I hold it together outside of church pretty well). I didn't expect that. People probably think I'm a nut job, hence the no friends yet. Edward and I have been going to church together since we were dating; it's always been the top priority for us. Coming from a Lutheran and a Southern Baptist background, we quickly decided if we were going to ever get married, we had to compromise on church. So, at 20 years old, we started going to the Methodist Church in Clemson. Trying to feel closer to God has made me realize how far away Edward is right now. The kids go to Children's Church, so when I pick them up, I'm back to the mom they need.
Stories on the news hit hard too. Some might say, "Don't watch the news," which if you knew me, is extremely unrealistic. I enjoy the news and often have Fox News on in the background. Stories lately are so sad, and again,they make you realize how precious life is.
Life here continues to go on. The kids and I have had a busy month. We have been traveling: Raleigh; Tybee Island, Georgia; Baltimore, Maryland; and Wilmington, NC just in the last month. More traveling is coming, but it will be slowing down with school starting. You don't know what fun is until you spend hours in the car alone with three kids who talk your ear off and fight as to whether they are going to watch Diego, Planet Earth, or Cinderella III.
Restaurant preferences have shifted a little. We've discovered Friendlys for traveling. Their kids' meals with free ice cream sundaes = priceless to me. Rudinos with their lunchtime pizza buffet is a favorite friend while running errands. So, yes, I do take the kids out to eat. It's interesting and loud, but we do go to places where I don't just have to order at a counter or a drive-thru. What is really challenging is the fact that my two-year-old has discovered he is two and refuses to sit in a highchair or booster seat. I generally get a "No," with arms crossed and pouty lip. That's fun.
I am very blessed to chat with Edward often on the computer. I know things could be much worse. I know. But, he's still gone for a long time. The "he's not going to be gone that long" comments don't help, as would you tell someone who is pregnant that nine months isn't that long (they'd probably disagree)?? Away is away, and it saddens me all that he has to miss, so yes, he will be gone a long time in my book.
I do want to thank the family and friends who have prayed, helped out, called, and just been there for both Edward and myself. I want you to know how much it means to me. I try to let you know how appreciative I am, but if I haven't, know I am. I can't imagine where we would be without the prayers and support of family and friends.
One month down; too many to count to go. I still say God Bless America and God Bless our Troops. Thank you for all you do to keep us all safe.
And Then We Laughed
8 years ago
Congrats on one month down!
ReplyDeleteAnd I totally know what you mean about it not feeling normal. For me, during deployments, I never felt normal. I grew accustomed to a new normal but it wasn't the same. We're still adjusting from this last deployment..it sometimes can be difficult to feel normal after all we've been through.
Unless someone goes through a deployment, it is impossible to fully understand the range of emotions associated with such an experience. Clay's job was safer the second time around (still risky, but safer) so I didn't feel the fear as much as the first time. But that first deployment, for 16 months, I paralyzed with fear that I would become a widow at 23/24. I still get a pit in my stomach when I think about all the memorial services, notification phone calls, and black outs. But that is a fact of life during deployments. I will say that it does get better as time goes on but again, it never feels normal.
I am glad that the kids start school soon and I hope that you start meeting people soon. Don't worry about crying in church - I did it all the time. :)
I am not sure if you feel this way, but I always struggled with seeing happy families or people going about their everyday life. I always felt like yelling, "Don't you know what I am going through? Don't you know my husband is away at war and soldiers are dying everyday? How dare you try and act like everything is okay." <--- Completely normal reaction...but I am glad I never said it out loud. :)
Since you're a good writer, I do recommend getting more into the world of the military blogosphere. I've made some good friends doing this little silly thing called blogging and it was a way for me to connect with women who knew exactly what I was going through.
We're thinking of you guys and praying for you. No amount of separation is easy (heck, I sometimes get flustered when Clay is TDY for a week - haha) but I promise you that at the end of this deployment, you will be proud of what you accomplished.
We love you all. We pray for you every night... Alaina and I say our prayer as we rock at night. I'm always here if you need you. :-)
ReplyDelete